|New University Credit Card
Following on from the success of the UBS Gold card, and the recently launched
Platinum card, this week the Senior Management Team approved the launch of a
new credit card, with even greater benefits - the "Depleted Uranium Card",
that will be marketed by the college as "The Last Card You'll Ever Need".
Skidmark asked Vice Chancellor, Professor Alan Dubious, why the University
needed a third card.
"In a word, it's good for business and good for the University. Our DU
card is aimed at people who value education highly, and would prefer their interest
payments to contribute to University funds rather than to large
money-obsessed organisations with questionable ethics. The DU card also gives
customers Nike reward points which provide discounts on a wide variety of Nike
Senior Management Financial Deficit Investigatory Task Force (5 posts, each Full-Time 40hrs per
- £1,000,000 (+ £1500 London Weighting), dependent upon experience.
5 new posts forming a new task-force to investigate the University's
financial difficulties and to create a strategic action-plan for the senior
management team in order to relieve the situation
University Unveils Glorious 5 Year Plan
As part of the recent Quality Assurance audit, every department was
required to contribute to a Glorious 5 year plan for the University. This
week the plan was made available at a launch party attended by senior college
staff, several council officials, Lord Jeffrey Archer and his associate Jemima
Melons, the local press and all 200 of the Quality Assurance team.
John Freemason outlined the main points of the report
"This historic document will allow us to move forward into a New Order
of Education. We want to move beyond being a
centre of academic excellence, and instead aim to be the best educational
organisation, not just in Britain, but in the World. I have a dream my
friends, I have a dream. I dream that in five years we will be top of all
university league tables forcing all other Further and Higher Education
organisations to capitulate and eventually be assimilated into University
of Bums on Seats. We will become one university, ein volk, ein
At this point security staff were forced to restrain Mr Freemason, who
is now in Peckham General hospital suffering from stress. We wish him
University Exam Papers to Be Made
Available Before Exams
In a revolutionary move the University has decided to follow the example
of a local sixth-form college and make exam papers available to students
before they sit the exams, for a modest fee of £1500.
Ron Richards explained the reasoning behind this revolutionary idea.
"Well, there was all this stuff going on the news and that about A level
papers being sold for up to four hundred quid down the road at the 'Chris
Woodhead Sixth Form Technical College' before the exams. So, we started to work out how
much extra revenue could be generated if we sold our exams to our students
before the exams. And I've got to tell you, its a fair-old wad.Lovely
The University have recently issued a press-release which outlines the
benefits of the new system. The key points are:
- Increased revenue
- A saving on production of separate revision-aids for students
- Improved results
- Higher positioning in University league tables
"Our main concern with the new initiative," spoke Mr Richards, " is that
students might try to cheat by photocopying exam papers so they don't have to pay
our, rather modest, fee. So, to get around this problem we've been able to
guarantee assistance from the local old-bill and a few mates who run security
companies to persuade people that this would be inadvisable."
UBS not "Up Shit Creek" Financially
Rumors that the college's finances are in desperate trouble have been circulating after a report in the
Guardian newspaper's education section following the publication of the
University accounts. The report claimed that all University financial reserves
had been exhausted and the Senior Management Team would be forced into downsizing.
This week, John Freemason issued a memo to all University staff
repudiating the rumours. In particular, he objected to the Guardian's use of
the phrase "Up Shit Creek" and retorted that the Guardian's claims were
"The Guardian's figures merely represent the fiscal deficiencies in our
net pecuniary imbalance," wrote Mr Freemason. "When one takes into account
the projected upturn in student numbers, together with the new raft of
money-saving proposals to be launched later this week as part of the
University 5 year plan, the picture isn't so
bad. If in addition we examine the 'seasonally adjusted' figures which take
into account the positive financial effect of the good weather on staff
productivity, the University's finances are actually in a healthy shape."