- Issue 5 -
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New University Credit Card

Following on from the success of the UBS Gold card, and the recently launched Platinum card, this week the Senior Management Team approved the launch of a new credit card, with even greater benefits - the "Depleted Uranium Card", that will be marketed by the college as "The Last Card You'll Ever Need".

Skidmark asked Vice Chancellor, Professor Alan Dubious, why the University needed a third card.

"In a word, it's good for business and good for the University. Our DU card is aimed at people who value education highly, and would prefer their interest payments to contribute to University funds rather than to large money-obsessed organisations with questionable ethics. The DU card also gives customers Nike reward points which provide discounts on a wide variety of Nike goods."

Staff Vacancies

Senior Management Financial Deficit Investigatory Task Force (5 posts, each Full-Time 40hrs per week)
Salary: £150,000 - £1,000,000 (+ £1500 London Weighting), dependent upon experience.

5 new posts forming a new task-force to investigate the University's financial difficulties and to create a strategic action-plan for the senior management team in order to relieve the situation


University Unveils Glorious 5 Year Plan

As part of the recent Quality Assurance audit, every department was required to contribute to a Glorious 5 year plan for the University. This week the plan was made available at a launch party attended by senior college staff, several council officials, Lord Jeffrey Archer and his associate Jemima Melons, the local press and all 200 of the Quality Assurance team.

John Freemason outlined the main points of the report

"This historic document will allow us to move forward into a New Order of Education. We want to move beyond being a centre of academic excellence, and instead aim to be the best educational organisation, not just in Britain, but in the World. I have a dream my friends, I have a dream. I dream that in five years we will be top of all university league tables forcing all other Further and Higher Education organisations to capitulate and eventually be assimilated into University of Bums on Seats. We will become one university, ein volk, ein reich..."

At this point security staff were forced to restrain Mr Freemason, who is now in Peckham General hospital suffering from stress. We wish him well.

University Exam Papers to Be Made Available Before Exams

In a revolutionary move the University has decided to follow the example of a local sixth-form college and make exam papers available to students before they sit the exams, for a modest fee of £1500.

Ron Richards explained the reasoning behind this revolutionary idea.

"Well, there was all this stuff going on the news and that about A level papers being sold for up to four hundred quid down the road at the 'Chris Woodhead Sixth Form Technical College' before the exams. So, we started to work out how much extra revenue could be generated if we sold our exams to our students before the exams. And I've got to tell you, its a fair-old wad.Lovely Jubbly."

The University have recently issued a press-release which outlines the benefits of the new system. The key points are:

  • Increased revenue
  • A saving on production of separate revision-aids for students
  • Improved results
  • Higher positioning in University league tables

"Our main concern with the new initiative," spoke Mr Richards, " is that students might try to cheat by photocopying exam papers so they don't have to pay our, rather modest, fee. So, to get around this problem we've been able to guarantee assistance from the local old-bill and a few mates who run security companies to persuade people that this would be inadvisable."

UBS not "Up Shit Creek" Financially
Rumors that the college's finances are in desperate trouble have been circulating after a report in the Guardian newspaper's education section following the publication of the University accounts. The report claimed that all University financial reserves had been exhausted and the Senior Management Team would be forced into downsizing.

This week, John Freemason issued a memo to all University staff repudiating the rumours. In particular, he objected to the Guardian's use of the phrase "Up Shit Creek" and retorted that the Guardian's claims were exaggerated.

"The Guardian's figures merely represent the fiscal deficiencies in our net pecuniary imbalance," wrote Mr Freemason. "When one takes into account the projected upturn in student numbers, together with the new raft of money-saving proposals to be launched later this week as part of the University 5 year plan, the picture isn't so bad. If in addition we examine the 'seasonally adjusted' figures which take into account the positive financial effect of the good weather on staff productivity, the University's finances are actually in a healthy shape."



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