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| MacDonald's to Sponsor new Sports Facilities
The University Gymnasium
has been saved from re-development thanks to a large sponsorship deal by
the Peckham Branch of MacDonald's. In return for a desperately needed injection
of cash, all University sports equipment, kit and events will display the
MacDonald's logo together with the phrase "MacDonald's - for a fitter generation".
In addition, the Gymnasium will be renamed the "Ronnie MacDonald" gym instead
of the "Sebastian Coe" gym. MacDonald's will also provide the refreshment
facilities for all future inter-college sports events.
The deal was struck
between senior college bloke Ron Richards and the Manager of MacDonald's
Peckham, Sahed Khunt. Speaking yesterday, Mr Khunt waxed lyrical about
the new deal.
"MacDonald's is very happy about the new partnership with UBS.
Despite initial reservations, Mr Richards persuaded us of the advantages. We
have always respected Mr Richards' opinion and are very happy with the
security service his company provides for our restaurant.
Since taking over from our previous security company we have
had no more instances of firebombs being thrown through our front windows."
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Staff
News
Research:
Dr Mike Shagger has
been awarded a £250,000 research grant from the RCSE for his new
research project into the psychology of under-age prostitution in Amsterdam.
Promotions:
Andy Shyster from
the IT and Web strategic development steering sub-committee promoted to
Management Scale 6 (£90,000pa + benefits). From January he will
be telecommuting in from the south of France.
Leavers:
It is with a tear
in our eye that we bid farewell to Doris Fossil, who has served
the college for over 40 years as a secretary in the credit-control department.
Professor Dubious gave a short farewell speech to her and the other 3 members
of the credit-control team, then presented her with a UBS digital watch
at Doris's leaving party held between 2 and 2:15pm in the accounts office.
Tea, biscuits and a glass of Lambrini were served.
Vacancies:
Credit Control
Secretarial Assistant (Full-Time 40hrs per week)
Salary: £7,000
- £10,000 (+ £1500 London Weighting), dependent upon experience.
The successful applicant
should be a hard-working team-player with a head for figures, experience
of corporate accounts and knowledge of Lotus 1-2-3, Microsoft Excel, Visual-Basic,
and Sage accounts. They should be prepared to perform voluntary overtime
on frequent occasions.
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Historic Contract to Forge a Brave
New World in University Education
This week saw the dawning of a new age
in University Education as UBS awarded a £20,000,000 contract to
design and implement the new "digital media distance learning delivery
system" to a new up-and-coming e-company capital-southsea-investment-consulting .com
(CSIC). CSIC were one of six companies who, over the last year, have
been bidding to design and implement the new system.
Speaking at a press-conference yesterday,
John Freemason, University Academic Registrar and Managing Director of
CSIC, said "It is with great pleasure that the University awards this new
and exciting contract to a new and exciting company, CSIC. The digital
media distance learning delivery system will revolutionise teaching at
the university and will hopefully form the keystone of University teaching
as a whole in the 21st century."
Sadly, the press-conference had to be adjourned
early due to a protest by recently dismissed, disgraced union members who
invaded the proceedings blowing whistles and waving brown-envelopes.
Skidmark also spoke to Prof. Alan
Dubious and asked him to explain the reason why he felt the system would
be so beneficial:
"The digital delivery...learning...thing
is a great leap forward. It will change the face of education altogether
and put us at the front of the e-commerce revolution. CSIC have assured
us that it will allow us to provide learning materials, coursework and
examinations for all of our students on all courses with only 3
members of staff whilst achieving 100% quality. Also, as part of the CSIC
contract we will be trialling their revolutionary new straw-into-gold spinning
machine, and that has got to be a good thing for the University as a whole."
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University Joins National Information Systems Syndicate
The University of Bums on Seats has been chosen as one of the 10 UK
Universities to form the new Joint Information Systems Management group, JISM.
JISM aims to devise an IS strategy for all UK Universities for the next
decade.
"Thanks to our forward-thinking approach to education, UBS is honoured to accept
the invitation to sit on JISM. It is a very exciting time for higher education
in the UK and we should all feel proud that our University will be responsible
in some way for leading the way into the next century." announced Professor Dubious yesterday.
The first JISM conference will be taking place this August in Barbados and will be attended by the senior management and several members of their secretarial team.
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Sociology Launch "Big Brother" Degree
UBS is proud to announce that at the start of the next academic year, we will be offering a new degree
which is based around studying the Television Programme, Big Brother.
Dr Adrian Twat, (sociology) explains the reason behind the decision to start the new course:
"I think its fair to say that since the Big Brother phenomenon,
British culture, even world culture, has been altered beyond all recognition.
Life will never be the same again. No other single event has ever had such an
impact on the human race since the dawn of person-kind. When "Nasty Nick" was
ousted by the other contestants, everyone watching suddenly realised that
humanity had entered a new epoch of post-modernity.
"As a modern university , I genuinely believe that it's our duty to study
events with such massive sociological impact. I also resent all of the recent
criticism in the local press, its just the sort of damaging cynicism that, as
Tony Blair says, is destroying our society. How anyone can look at this extensive syllabus and then claim that it is nothing more than a worthless attempt to
lure the gullible into parting with their cash is beyond me."
Dr Twat's new book, "Neo-dialectic Pretextual Discourses:
Britney Spears, Foucault and the
Didacticism of Deconstructionist Paradigms" is due out this December from
Horseshite Publishers, London.
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