- Issue 4 -
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MacDonald's to Sponsor new Sports Facilities

The University Gymnasium has been saved from re-development thanks to a large sponsorship deal by the Peckham Branch of MacDonald's. In return for a desperately needed injection of cash, all University sports equipment, kit and events will display the MacDonald's logo together with the phrase "MacDonald's - for a fitter generation". In addition, the Gymnasium will be renamed the "Ronnie MacDonald" gym instead of the "Sebastian Coe" gym. MacDonald's will also provide the refreshment facilities for all future inter-college sports events.

The deal was struck between senior college bloke Ron Richards and the Manager of MacDonald's Peckham, Sahed Khunt. Speaking yesterday, Mr Khunt waxed lyrical about the new deal.

"MacDonald's is very happy about the new partnership with UBS. Despite initial reservations, Mr Richards persuaded us of the advantages. We have always respected Mr Richards' opinion and are very happy with the security service his company provides for our restaurant. Since taking over from our previous security company we have had no more instances of firebombs being thrown through our front windows."

Staff News

Dr Mike Shagger has been awarded a £250,000 research grant from the RCSE for his new research project into the psychology of under-age prostitution in Amsterdam.

Andy Shyster from the IT and Web strategic development steering sub-committee promoted to Management Scale 6 (£90,000pa + benefits). From January he will be telecommuting in from the south of France.

It is with a tear in our eye that we bid farewell to Doris Fossil, who has served the college for over 40 years as a secretary in the credit-control department. Professor Dubious gave a short farewell speech to her and the other 3 members of the credit-control team, then presented her with a UBS digital watch at Doris's leaving party held between 2 and 2:15pm in the accounts office. Tea, biscuits and a glass of Lambrini were served.

Credit Control Secretarial Assistant (Full-Time 40hrs per week)
Salary: £7,000 - £10,000 (+ £1500 London Weighting), dependent upon experience.
The successful applicant should be a hard-working team-player with a head for figures, experience of corporate accounts and knowledge of Lotus 1-2-3, Microsoft Excel, Visual-Basic, and Sage accounts. They should be prepared to perform voluntary overtime on frequent occasions.


Historic Contract to Forge a Brave New World in University Education

This week saw the dawning of a new age in University Education as UBS awarded a £20,000,000 contract to design and implement the new "digital media distance learning delivery system" to a new up-and-coming e-company capital-southsea-investment-consulting .com (CSIC). CSIC were one of six companies who, over the last year, have been bidding to design and implement the new system.

Speaking at a press-conference yesterday, John Freemason, University Academic Registrar and Managing Director of CSIC, said "It is with great pleasure that the University awards this new and exciting contract to a new and exciting company, CSIC. The digital media distance learning delivery system will revolutionise teaching at the university and will hopefully form the keystone of University teaching as a whole in the 21st century."

Sadly, the press-conference had to be adjourned early due to a protest by recently dismissed, disgraced union members who invaded the proceedings blowing whistles and waving brown-envelopes.

Skidmark also spoke to Prof. Alan Dubious and asked him to explain the reason why he felt the system would be so beneficial:

"The digital delivery...learning...thing is a great leap forward. It will change the face of education altogether and put us at the front of the e-commerce revolution. CSIC have assured us that it will allow us to provide learning materials, coursework and examinations for all of our students on all courses with only 3 members of staff whilst achieving 100% quality. Also, as part of the CSIC contract we will be trialling their revolutionary new straw-into-gold spinning machine, and that has got to be a good thing for the University as a whole." 

University Joins National Information Systems Syndicate

The University of Bums on Seats has been chosen as one of the 10 UK Universities to form the new Joint Information Systems Management group, JISM. JISM aims to devise an IS strategy for all UK Universities for the next decade.

"Thanks to our forward-thinking approach to education, UBS is honoured to accept the invitation to sit on JISM. It is a very exciting time for higher education in the UK and we should all feel proud that our University will be responsible in some way for leading the way into the next century." announced Professor Dubious yesterday.

The first JISM conference will be taking place this August in Barbados and will be attended by the senior management and several members of their secretarial team.


Sociology Launch "Big Brother" Degree

UBS is proud to announce that at the start of the next academic year, we will be offering a new degree which is based around studying the Television Programme, Big Brother.

Dr Adrian Twat, (sociology) explains the reason behind the decision to start the new course:

"I think its fair to say that since the Big Brother phenomenon, British culture, even world culture, has been altered beyond all recognition. Life will never be the same again. No other single event has ever had such an impact on the human race since the dawn of person-kind. When "Nasty Nick" was ousted by the other contestants, everyone watching suddenly realised that humanity had entered a new epoch of post-modernity.

"As a modern university , I genuinely believe that it's our duty to study events with such massive sociological impact. I also resent all of the recent criticism in the local press, its just the sort of damaging cynicism that, as Tony Blair says, is destroying our society. How anyone can look at this extensive syllabus and then claim that it is nothing more than a worthless attempt to lure the gullible into parting with their cash is beyond me."

Dr Twat's new book, "Neo-dialectic Pretextual Discourses: Britney Spears, Foucault and the Didacticism of Deconstructionist Paradigms" is due out this December from Horseshite Publishers, London.


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