- Issue 6 -
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Controversial new building design wins £18m contract

Before: The derelict teaching complex in Byers' Way. An "eyesore".

After: Lord Crooke's challenging vision which won his firm the £18m contract.

Leading architect Lord Damien Crooke has been awarded the £18m contract to design and build the new University "Centre of Excellence in Management Studies" which is to replace the derelict and dangerous teaching complex in Byers' Way, described by the local press as an eyesore.

Lord Crooke's futuristic design has caused outrage in the local area due to its similarity to a large canine faeces. Speaking at a press conference yesterday he explained the thinking behind the design:

"Obviously this is not the final design, but merely a digital-sketch which encompasses the essence of the final work - without actually frightening people with a final design-plan, which quite frankly would not be understandable by ordinary people.

"The form of the design is an ironic reference to a comment made by Prince Charles about architects 'who leave a turd in every plaza'.

"Of course we expect resistance from people at first, all challenging ideas take a while for people to get used to. I'm sure that other great geniuses in the past, Picasso, Monet, DaVinci to name but three, had the same problems when they first unveiled their works."

Indeed, there was so much resistance from local people and university staff that the press conference had to be attended by Riot Police in order to protect Lord Crooke and Professor Dubious. One member of University Staff was arrested, and shortly after dismissed, after continually shouting protests.

Professor Dubious angrily refuted the comments saying "Lord Crooke and his architectural firm 'Brassneck and Crooke' are very well respected in the industry and it is frankly insulting to claim that he is 'simply taking the piss' with his revolutionary vision. As a forward thinking university we strongly feel that it is our duty to challenge convention and thus enrich the lives of our staff, students and the local people."

UBS tops the League Tables

We are proud to announce that The University of Bums on Seats has appeared at the top of no less than 2 university league tables published by national newspapers this month!

Firstly the UBS was ranked top in the Vice-Chancellors salaries league table with Professor Alan Dubious' whopping £450,000p.a. Only a week later the league of university drop-out rates showed that the UBS was a winner with an impressive 45% drop-out rate of undergraduate students.

Professor Dubious was unavailable for comment as he is currently engaged in a fact-finding/recruitment mission in Thailand.

Call for papers

In June, UBS will be hosting the 2002 "Quality Matters" conference. Already confirmed are keynote-speeches from Jerry Barker (Railtrack), Ebeneezer Bastard (Arthur Anderson) and Jo Moore (Unemployed).

UBS seeks papers on any of the following topics:

  • Financial difficulties: publicity management
  • Dead wood: identifying and removal of
  • Union Activists: identifying and removal of
  • SMT salary increases: why they are justified
  • Quality as a career

Please send submissions to Mel Onsaripe, Quality Affairs

Widening Participation Scheme Announced

A new scheme aimed at widening the range of students attracted to UBS was launched this week after a 6-month strategic analysis. John Freemason writes:

"As a university we recognise our role as not only educators of the intelligent, but also as facilitators of learning in those of less fortunate. Its is essential in any civilised society that everyone is given an opportunity to better themselves through education, and so it is with pleasure that we announce this new scheme to encourage the intellectually challenged into the rich and vibrant world of academia.

"The suggestion that entry requirements have fallen is totally without foundation. Our rigourous 'breath on mirror' test will still be required, no-one failing it would be accepted."


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