- Issue 3 -
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UBS: The Worlds first E-University

Following the launch of the University of Bums on Seats E-degree system, there has been much talk within the DFEE,HEFCE and even in parliament on the topic of 'e-universities' and so-called 'e-distance learning'. It seems that even Gorden Brown has shown an interest in our revolutionary teaching system and has pledged to support  Higher education with the latest technology.

Since the launch of the e-degrees, we are proud to announce that over 5000 people have successfully "graduated" from the programme, showing that UBS truly leads the way into the 21st century.

Senior Academic Officer John Freemason commented:
"If Britain is to keep its place in the forefront of the e-superhighway, it must invest heavily in the so called '.com' economy. If we as a university are to truly move forward, it is vital that we all understand the technology behind 'e-commerce' and apply it to our own unique institution by embracing many of the digital teaching methods on offer such as 'videoconferencing','distance learning' and 'WAP'. 

Neither Mr Freemason nor Professor Dubious would confirm or deny recent rumours about a possible "virtual degree" system to run alongside the "e-degrees". However an announcement was made concerning the appointment of a "distance learning rapid-response task force" within the  University to co-ordinate future e-teaching development..

Writing in "CASH", the journal of senior management, Professor Dubious announced "The university has decided to appoint a task-force to design a strategy for discussion of a proposal for a 'distance-learning' initiative. This team of crack managers will consist of an overall co-ordinator and seven 'brainstomers'. WIth this team, I feel confident that we can indeed build a bridge to the 21st century."


Prof. Dubious Launches Quality Assurance Guide

Vice chancellor of the University, Alan Dubious, this month launched the University's first "Quality Assurance Manual": a guide to quality attainment within the University. The guide is the product of three years intensive work by the twenty hard working staff of the Quality Affairs department, in conjunction  with the Knowledge Management department, the academic excellence department and several members of the senior management subcommittee.

Speaking yesterday at the QA launch party, Professor Dubious said "The QA manual is a massive step towards our goal of 100% excellence. Once and for all we can prove to our critics in the gutter press that we are not merely a shambolic organisation interested only in money. This revolutionary manual is over 300 pages long and contains well over 20 management structure diagrams. I ask you all, does this sound like the work of a shambolic organisation ?"

Professor Dubious' speech was met with a standing ovation by the Quality Affairs staff and several members of the web-team who has recently been working on an 'e' version of the manual.


E-Coli Scare Claim Shown to be Unfounded

Recent claims in the Peckham Inquirer that four students from the University of Bums on Seats had died of E-coli poisoning were last week shown to be completely without foundation.

The University still maintains that for the past year the four were travelling around europe, however on return last week they all simultaneously died of natural causes. The claim was upheld by the University doctor who upon examination of the bodies gave each a verdict of death by natural causes.

Speaking yesterday Professor Dubious said "Whilst we are all very upset to hear about the sad deaths of the students, it is gratifying to see justice served. At last we can lay to rest all of the viscious rumours that we were attempting to cover-up an E-coli epidemic in Spring-Garden Mews hall of residence. The press should be ashamed of themselves accusing our staff of hiding four bodies for over a year."


University Shuns 2-Year Degrees 

The new proposals revealed by the government recently for 2-year vocational degrees were publicly shunned by the senior Academic registrar, Mr John Freemason, at a press conference  yesterday.

"The University has always been at the forefront of education in Britain, however we strongly oppose the new plans for 2-year vocational degrees. Instead we will soon be launching our own 2-week intensive vocational degree. Why should people be expected to spend two years of their lives in poverty when instead we can with the help of our financing company 'The Peckham Mutual Alliance' concentrate the work into a period of two weeks while the fees are spread into small convenient payments over a easily manageable period of 25 years ?"

The 2-week degrees will officially be launched at the start of the next academic year.

Senior College Bloke Nips Student Protest in the Bud

Fears that the recent student occupation of the Tebbit building  would continue indefinitely were proven wrong yesterday when after  only six weeks Senior College Bloke Ron "The Razor" Richards managed to persuade them to leave peacefully. The protesters were campaigning against the introduction of tuition fees.

"Lets just say that myself, Jeremy Stalin-Blair [the president of the Student's Union] and a couple of my colleagues from service came to a mutual agreement." spoke Mr Richards following the crisis talks.

Leaving the  talks, Jeremy Stalin-Blair would not give much away. "Mr Richards and his business associates made us realise how vital student fees are in the running of a modern, diverse University. We fully drop all of our previous demands and retract all previous claims that the University is nothing more than a cynical money-making machine interested in nothing but keeping jobs-for-the-boys at the taxpayers expense. "

Mr Stalin-Blair was later admitted to Peckham Royal  Hospital with widespread internal haemorrhaging and shock. We all wish him well.

DHTML/ASP Authors Required

The web-team invite experienced web authors to actually implement the new university web-site, portal-site and intranet as conceptualised by the Web-Team over the last five years. 

The successful candidate should have strong HTML/DHTML, VBscript SQL and ASP skills. They should also have experience in building and administrating NT servers. Please note that we do not welcome applications from any students with UNIX experience and all such applications will be ignored.

Whilst the web-team are unable to provide financial payment for the work, we believe that experience of working on such an exciting project will set the lucky appointee in good stead for a career following their graduation.

Please send all applications to (PDF format only)



Web-Site designed and created at great expense
over five years by clueless wankers who spent most of
their time in meetings discussing the "site strategy".

For further information, or to give some positive comments,contact