Vice Chancellor Receives "Vote of Total Confidence" by Staff
University staff have unanimously declared a vote of total confidence in the
Vice Chancellor, Prof Alan Dubious. This surprising result follows
discussions within the Lecturers Union who were, until a month ago, voting
on a vote of no confidence in the VC.
Skidmark was unable to find any union members willing to talk about the
apparent u-turn, however Ron Richards, senior college bloke, did give us a few words.
"It's perfectly simple. The original discussions were simply a mistake by the
leader of the lecturers union, Mr Tyler. They had wanted to vote in favour of Professor
Dubious all along, it was just a mis-type on the union agenda. In fact, before
he disappeared, Mr Tyler assured me that he had total confidence in all of
the SMT and wanted to formally apologise for this mix-up. So let's hear no more about it."
Mr Tyler, 52, has been missing for 3 weeks.
Merger Talks Underway
Following rumours placed on the message board of the infamous website
"UniversityBitch", the SMT have
announced that they are indeed considering a merger with the
Peckham Adult Network for Teaching and Schooling.
The proposed merger would produce the largest educational organisation in the
whole of Peckham. Additionally it would coincide with the proposed re-branding of the
UBS, also announced this week. See below for details.
John Freemason commented "if this merger goes ahead it will truly make
UBS a world class center of excellence, blah blah competing in the
global marketplace, modernisation, widening participation,
waffle blah importance of education,
reviving the local area, blah blah incentivising the staff, and that type of stuff."
A Cyber-terrorist who had been attempting to smash the university's on-line
cyber-presence has been thwarted. The hacker, whom we are not allowed to name
for legal reasons, registered an Internet domain very similar to that belonging
to UBS. However far from directing people to the real UBS site, the malicious
vandal was directing unsuspecting potential students to a spoof site.
Alan Dubious and Ron Richards were quick to react to the threat by contacting
the British Army and the cowardly hacker backed down, returning the domain to
the rightful owners: UBS.
According to the SMT, the estimated financial damage to the university is in
the order of millions, as thousands of overseas students were being directed
away from the real site every second.
Professor Dubious invites your suggestions on a new logo, name and image for UBS
As we have now entered the 21st century we in the SMT felt that the
university needed to move with the times and modernise. Whilst the name
"University of Bums on Seats" is synonymous with high standards and
flexible learning, we feel that it just isn't "now" or "cool" enough to
compete in a modern HE marketplace. Brand is now key in attracting new units^H^H^H^H^Hstudents and so we have decided to re-brand and relaunch.
Rather than spend huge amounts of university money on expensive consultants, we
have decided to spend the money on the development of our new business
hospitality suite, which of course will eventually be able to pay for itself, and
ask you, our students and staff, for your ideas. What could be better than a
final design that came from within the organisation itself ?
As a bit of fun we have started you off with a few suggestions for a new name:
- Peckham Metropolitan University
- The University of Metropolitan Peckham
- Oxford University
- Degrees-R-Us [only kidding...Al!!!]
So, send your ideas for new names, new logos and mission statements to the rebranding working group.
The creators of the winning designs will not only win the joy of seeing their
creative work displayed all over the campus, but will also win a UBS T-shirt
(as we will need to be getting rid of the old stock when the new design arrives).
I look forward to seeing your designs