- Issue 7 -
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Vice Chancellor Receives "Vote of Total Confidence" by Staff

University staff have unanimously declared a vote of total confidence in the Vice Chancellor, Prof Alan Dubious. This surprising result follows discussions within the Lecturers Union who were, until a month ago, voting on a vote of no confidence in the VC.

Skidmark was unable to find any union members willing to talk about the apparent u-turn, however Ron Richards, senior college bloke, did give us a few words.

"It's perfectly simple. The original discussions were simply a mistake by the leader of the lecturers union, Mr Tyler. They had wanted to vote in favour of Professor Dubious all along, it was just a mis-type on the union agenda. In fact, before he disappeared, Mr Tyler assured me that he had total confidence in all of the SMT and wanted to formally apologise for this mix-up. So let's hear no more about it."

Mr Tyler, 52, has been missing for 3 weeks.

Merger Talks Underway

Following rumours placed on the message board of the infamous website "UniversityBitch", the SMT have announced that they are indeed considering a merger with the Peckham Adult Network for Teaching and Schooling.

The proposed merger would produce the largest educational organisation in the whole of Peckham. Additionally it would coincide with the proposed re-branding of the UBS, also announced this week. See below for details.

John Freemason commented "if this merger goes ahead it will truly make UBS a world class center of excellence, blah blah competing in the global marketplace, modernisation, widening participation, waffle blah importance of education, reviving the local area, blah blah incentivising the staff, and that type of stuff."

Cyber-Terrorist Thwarted

A Cyber-terrorist who had been attempting to smash the university's on-line cyber-presence has been thwarted. The hacker, whom we are not allowed to name for legal reasons, registered an Internet domain very similar to that belonging to UBS. However far from directing people to the real UBS site, the malicious vandal was directing unsuspecting potential students to a spoof site.

Alan Dubious and Ron Richards were quick to react to the threat by contacting the British Army and the cowardly hacker backed down, returning the domain to the rightful owners: UBS.

According to the SMT, the estimated financial damage to the university is in the order of millions, as thousands of overseas students were being directed away from the real site every second.

Re-branding UBS

Professor Dubious invites your suggestions on a new logo, name and image for UBS

Hi, all!!

As we have now entered the 21st century we in the SMT felt that the university needed to move with the times and modernise. Whilst the name "University of Bums on Seats" is synonymous with high standards and flexible learning, we feel that it just isn't "now" or "cool" enough to compete in a modern HE marketplace. Brand is now key in attracting new units^H^H^H^H^Hstudents and so we have decided to re-brand and relaunch.

Rather than spend huge amounts of university money on expensive consultants, we have decided to spend the money on the development of our new business hospitality suite, which of course will eventually be able to pay for itself, and ask you, our students and staff, for your ideas. What could be better than a final design that came from within the organisation itself ?

As a bit of fun we have started you off with a few suggestions for a new name:

  • Peckham Metropolitan University
  • The University of Metropolitan Peckham
  • Oxford University
  • Degrees-R-Us [only kidding...Al!!!]

So, send your ideas for new names, new logos and mission statements to the rebranding working group. The creators of the winning designs will not only win the joy of seeing their creative work displayed all over the campus, but will also win a UBS T-shirt (as we will need to be getting rid of the old stock when the new design arrives).

I look forward to seeing your designs

Peace, out!
Alan Dubious


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