Middle-Managers - Why they shouldn't be allowed to go on computer training courses

There's a suit-clad, balding, incompetent, pointless, blinkered, fascistic fool in every office environment. The generic name for these people is "Middle Management" and it is vitally important not to let them near computers, and paramount not to send them on training courses.

Bearing in mind that generally the word manage can be directly replaced with wank it should be obvious to all why these vermin, only one rung above salesman-scum on the evolutionary ladder, shouldn't ever use the things. If this mental picture eludes you I will describe the stages of annoyance you'll experience.

As with every other facet of their lives - they are obsessed with power. They spend most of their time discussing everything in terms of Gigabytes and Megahertz. Believing all of the B.Gates et al style hype, they'll only be happy with the latest release/bugfix of Windows 2000, 128 Meg of Ram, DVD, 3D graphics and sound card on a 'Genuine Intel' pentium-III. Yet all it ever seems to get used for is to produce cliche-ridden half page memos that look like they've been knocked up on a typewriter.

Management love jargon. It is probably one of the main reasons why they love computers. However, they seem not to realise that Jargon has a purpose;to abbreiviate and clarify. They tend to use jargon to verbosify and mystify. In only one half-day Microsoft training course an average middle manager can learn and misuse over 500 different computer related terms. Here are some dead giveaways:

The Underlying Fear
Technology moves fast. Too fast for any human to keep track of everything. In Managers, this creates a feeling of uneasiness and fear that they are getting left behind. There is no measure too desperate for these people to take when it comes to keeping their heads above the sea of technology. One odd spin-off from this effect is that their misunderstandings get fed-back through the computer industry itself and suddenly the people in the know are speaking in management tongues.

It's easiest to demonstrate this by using an example. The word intranet is meaningless, or rather redundant. Ask 500 people what they mean by it and you will get 500 different answers. It's all things to all people, it's internal web-sites, databases, LANs, email, and newsgroups. Where this word came from is still a mystery, but I suspect that some balding, useless fool in middle management heard it and wet his pants. Since that great moment the computer industry has had to stoop so low as to use the term in normal marketing so that these scum will fork out for their mediocre products.

Email software ?
Boring. No. Got it. Done that.
Well how about a knowledge sharing system that integrates with your intranet to provide a personal information exchange solution ?
I'll get the cheque book.

How did those bastards at Mircosoft manage to convince the world to buy their bloated, buggy, low quality, expensive, proprietary, out-of-date, time-bombed filth ?

Its time for the techies to take control...
If you have any other examples of management being wankers then please leave a comment.

You may also be interested in trying out the Wankometer

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Some responses we've received...

So you want to talk about managers? Here in sunny California there are managers to manage managers that advise managers on management of proper managerial techniques in the management environment!

How do I know this? I was one! Yes, for two years I was trapped in the cult of "S.H.M." (Shit Hole Management). After two weeks I discovered that the combined talent in 95% of the management groups I met would not fill the remaining space in Bill Gates' cranium not occupied by his ego. Being an optimist I chose to stay, hoping that there might be some intelligent life somewhere in the S.H.M. cult. Sadly.... I was wrong. The smart ones leave before it's too late.

After working in this hellish environment for far too long, I received a memo written something like this;

" I feel that we should act as expediently as possible in order to maximize the potential benefits and receive the utmost cooperation from all parties involved and/or being in direct contact with the XYZ project. It would behoove us to ensure that all areas have been properly addressed and that we provide a facilitatively acceptable deliverable. Upon completion of BLAH BLAH BLAH ............"

Translation - "I have no idea what I'm talking about, what the XYZ project is or if it even exists. This memo is being sent to cover my ass and impress all the other idiots just like me. It's also a futile attempt at justifying my putrid, self-conscious, egotistical and dismal existence. Plus, I just got this cool add-on thesaurus for Word 97! Neat huh? Hmm.. I wonder what these "Alt" buttons do?"

It would "behoove" this moron to get a lobotomy and spend his time more productively scribbling his initials in wet cement with his pecker! This drivel went on for two full pages. I was surprised that he didn't use the words network, brainstorm , interface or doable even once. And what genius thought up "facilitatively acceptable deliverable"? I feel sorry for this guy's family. Imagine sitting at the diner table and having to listen to that crap. Talk about diarrhea of the mouth!

If you must know, the XYZ project was an administrative safety policy to limit the height of the heels on women's shoes. Apparently someone wearing high heels twisted their ankle. Management then leapt into action. Approved $40,000 in research funds, formed three committees that, due to the delicate nature of this project, could only meet at Pebble Beach Golf and Country Club. At last, the world would be protected from high heel related ankle injuries! I suppose the next critical project must have been locating government approved jaw supports to prevent possible injury from extensive periods of ass kissing or forming a steering committee to determine the hidden satanic meaning of "QWERTY".

Meanwhile, the company was selling low quality products at a loss (they made up for it in volume). The females were pissed and claimed it was probably one of the managers who twisted his ankle trying on his new pumps in the men's bathroom. But management was being "pro-active" to the "associates well being". S.H.M. at its finest.

It's true that managers should be limited in the amount of dangerous information and knowledge they are allowed. One manager should be called a wanker, a group should be called a wankoff and their stellar accomplishments should be called a steaming-bucket-of-felch.

they are amussing to observe, but It is my goal to ensure that future generations are not exposed to this cruel and inhumane treatment and Al Gore.

While we are having an open forum we might as well pick on the snot-nosed, narrow-minded, masturbating techies that exist too. Even the worst techie couldn't reach the level of bullshit that managers strive for, but there are some that you wish would go out in the sun and explode like a vampire. These assholes need to relax a bit. One jackass went on and on and on about how the millennium is not 2000 and the real Y2K is in 2001 unless it's a leap year, Luke Skywalker' s birthday is on a Saturday and his underwear is folded correctly. He couldn't even spell "millennium" correctly (I hope I did. I don't have that cool new spell check add-on). Who gives a shit! Go out and have some fun for a change. Take a manager on a date.

Don't even get me started on Vice-presidents. Bottom feeders! Scientific name - Cantmanagerus Giganticus.

I could ramble on forever with nauseating little anecdotes and tales of my exploits and grand exit from the surreal world of corporate America, but that's another chapter in the cold, cruel world of S.H.M.

Does any of this sound familiar?

Identity and address supressed

More evidence...

I used to work at a software company. I started as a Software Tester. However, due to corporate cut backs, I was offered a new position either in Sales or as an assistant for the Maintenance Man. I took the Sales position. Big Mistake.

When I met with the Sales Manager, I immediately relaized the job in Maintenance might have been a good idea. This guy was trying to sell our products to Fortune 500 companies. His technique was for the sales staff to call these companies and pester the hell out of them till they either contacted an attorney or bought the product in order to get rid of us.

But, since I was from the Testing department, I was asked to become the MIS guy for the Sales Department. Mainly this consisted of repairing his computer. The Sales Department used Macintosh computers. This genius managed to annihilate his Mac at least once a week. Then I would have to repair it. This could take anywhere from 10 minutes to 2 days.

Amazingly enough, after the first month, I was called in for a meeting with the Sales Manager. He wanted to know why I wasn't spending enough time calling customers. I was shocked and amazed.

"How can I call companies when I spend most of my time in here fixing your computer?"

"Well, XXX, thats just a small part of your job. You need to start calling companies."

So I started pounding the phones. I called just about everybody on earth, I think. Hard to believe, but I was actually good at sales. I was making some good money on commissions.

Then I was called in for another meeting.

"XXX, you are doing great. Your sales are excellent."

"Naturally, boss."

"Well, there's a problem. You see, we never expected you to sell so many units of product. Since you are doing SO well, I'm going to cut your commission percentage from 10% to 5%. I think you agree this is fair."

At this point in time, I lost my fucking mind. I went beserk. As I started around his desk to kick his ass, one of the other sales guys grabbed me from behind. I was dragged outside of the Sales Department by my co-worker till I calmed down.

Once I was cool, I returned to my desk. I typed my letter of resignation and handed it to my now ex-boss. The letter said the following:

"This is letter is to inform you that I am tendering my resignation, effective immediately. The main reason behind this resignation is your absolute bufoonery and stupidity. I cannot really comment on your management style because it is non-existent. "I am forwarding a copy of this letter and a transcript of our conversation to the President of this firm."

In conversation with a friend who still works at this company, guess who is still employed?

Just goes to show you that Middle Management takes their attitudes from Upper Management. In the end, they are all a bunch of pricks.

Again, identity supressed to protect the innocent

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